Thursday, January 19, 2017

Ramblings, serious ramblings.

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for your kind words on Simba's passing. It's been a little over a week now and while I'm still very upset over it, things are getting a little better. Sometimes it doesn't feel real but sometimes it just feels too real.

I haven't been doing much lately, my motivation was bad before and now I just don't have the energy for anything even things I want to do. I am currently working on a new doll that needs a little TLC. My no dolls in January goal fell by the wayside, but whatever. I have a couple projects I'm focusing on right now, nothing major but maybe if I have two or three that I switch between I might actually get something done one of these days. I'm also working on taking apart some cheap gift card holders I bought at the Dollar Tree after Christmas for a quarter each for the sequins on it. I've only used sequins once in my entire sewing career, but these are interesting enough to spend the time saving, plus deconstructing something like that can be rather soothing to me.

However, this post isn't about dolls or crafts (or even E-bay, spoiler alert, nothing's going on there either). This post I want to talk about my job, it's going to be a lot of rambling thinking out loud from this point on, so if you're just here for dolls and sewing feel free to skip it.

So my immediate supervisor put in her notice at the start of the month. She'd been with the company for a little under 2 years. She came from another store in the mall that closed. She's going back to her original store, but in a different location. She'll be going back as an office person, which is what she wanted. I'm sad to see her go, but I know she'll be happier there so I wish her the best. I am trying to think of something nice to get her as a thank you gift, but haven't thought anything yet. I know her, but I don't know her that well privately, and I don't want to get her something too personal since we're not too buddy-buddy. I plan on asking someone at work she's close to for suggestions.

Anyway, with B leaving, that means her job will be open. I haven't been with the company for very long (especially since I came back last September), but I think I could do her job. I'm smart, want to learn, and already know a lot about how the company is run. I cannot tell you the number of times people, some of whom have been there a lot longer than I have ask me how to do certain things. I really think I would make a good manager. I already consider myself a junior manager with some of the things I'm asked to do. However, there are places in the job that I'm not that strong, when I came back it was in a partially different position than when I left and honestly, I haven't gotten the training I think I should have gotten. I've learned some things, but overall I know there's several people who are stronger than me in that aspect.

Right now there's two people who I think are my biggest competition, K and M. K has been with the company the longest, knows several parts of the job that I don't know, and is a key holder already. She is also the top choice from the boss according to B. M is someone who knows the job more than anybody, however she has no managerial experience and hasn't been there super long. It's funny how each of us has our strengths, if only they could combine them for the ideal candidate. I was feeling rather hopeful about my odds before I knew that K was interested, but after I found out she was, I felt my opportunity slipping away.

B put in her notice on the 6th, and the proper channels were alerted pretty quickly. However her job has still not been posted online and according to her, they told her they weren't going to post it until after she's gone on the 27th. Meaning there's going to be no time for her to train her successor. It also turns out that some higher ups are going to be doing the interviews, which is weird since the last few big job openings have been all done internally. B theorized that they have someone outside of the store in mind for the position so they're setting it up to bring them in. I wouldn't put it past the company to stack the decks in their favor to bring someone in. I wouldn't even be surprised if they didn't even have the job actually posted and just hired who they wanted. I'll freely admit I'd be very upset over losing out the job to some of my co-workers but I'd be even more upset if they brought someone else into the situation without giving any of us the chance.

And what does this mean for me? Honestly, quite a lot. I've been growing more and more unsatisfied at work. I've been spending a lot of time as a cashier and I hate being a cashier. It's so boring and I hate being pressured to get credit all the time. Plus my manager is still a jerk so I wouldn't mind not having to deal with that any more. (Ironically if I did get B's job I'd be dealing with that manager a lot). When I heard that B was leaving it did excite me for the chance to advance in the company, put my skills to use and learn more, but if that's not going to happen, why should I stay? I'm going to try for this job and if I don't get it, or don't get anything from at least applying (K getting the position would leave a key holder slot open), I'm going to start looking for another job or possibly transferring to another store. That might mean moving out and saying goodbye to my family but it might just have to be what I need to do.

The thought of that is terrifying to me, the last time I tired it was a terrible disaster and there's more reasons for me to stay now than before. My family is having a hard time making ends meet and have been borrowing money from me. I don't mind doing it, they are my family after all, and I don't really think I'll ever get that money back, but what happens when I move out, will I be able to afford my expenses plus theirs? Last time I was working two part time jobs and still couldn't afford my extremely simple lifestyle (by which I mean a roof over my head, food, and transportation), would trying again really bring me much more? And I'm not just gambling my future this time, it's mine and my family's, which I'm not sure is a risk I can take.

Why is life so hard?!?

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Sad Post

Hello everyone, this is going to be a hard blog to write.

Simba-cat died today a little after 10:27 this morning. 

I think her kidney's gave out on her. Last February she had a problem where she stopped eating and drinking, had some tummy issues, and couldn't keep her head up. I stayed with her the entire time and back then I managed to get her to eat and she pulled through. She had a couple minor flair ups during the year, but nothing as bad as the first one, until this one. She had been having issues and stupid me didn't see any of the signs until she was pretty bad off. However, I think even if I had seen what was happening, there was nothing I could do. Monday night she was having mobility issues and Tuesday I woke up to her sprawled out unnaturally on the bed and in bad shape. I spent the day with her and all night with her trying to keep her comfortable and see if she would eat. She did have a couple bites of food during the day, but in the evening stopped eating or drinking. I was using an eyedropper to try to keep her hydrated in some attempt to help her.

I was hoping we'd get another miracle, but it just wasn't meant to be. For most of the morning she was just lying there, she was breathing but not much else. Shortly before she died she began gasping slightly. There was nothing I could do, I just stayed with her petting her and comforting her.

And then she was gone.

And I'm having a really hard time with it. I wasn't Simba's primary caregiver for very long, but she's been in my life a very long time. When she died, she was 21 years old and she could have been even older. We adopted her from my Grandmother around three years ago when she decided that she couldn't properly take care of her when she was away in Florida 6 months out of the year. When we got her she was a matted mess (my cousins who watched her during the winters were not decent pet owners), but I got her cleaned up and she was my little princess for three years. We didn't always get along, and I do regret how sometimes I wouldn't give her the attention she wanted, but I hope she was happy here, for the short time she was here. 

I've been crying off and on all day. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. Hopefully I can keep myself together. I'm also not looking forward to bedtime tonight. I've been keeping my mind occupied today with watching TV shows online, but when the computer's shut down and the lights are off, I'm alone with my thoughts and that's the last thing I want right now.

I'm also dreading putting away her things, it makes it so more real. She spent pretty much all of her time here in my room, but even when she was here, I didn't always see her. She was always finding new spots to sleep in, so she wasn't always in my line of sight. I already dumped her water dish and gave her leftover food to the other cats. I still have to put away her brush, her dry food, and get rid of her litter box. It just feels so final, and even though I know it is final, I hate it. I'm really going to miss her.

It's going to be rough for a while, getting used to her not being here. I've left the room a few times already and every time I come back I find myself looking for her, but then I realize she's not here any more and my heart breaks all over again. I was thinking about it, after Sunshine passed away pretty quickly we got Willow who ended up living in my room for a while as she got accumulated for the house, after that we got Simba who ended up living in my room for the rest of her life. It's been years since I didn't have a cat in my room, it's going to take some time getting used to. I'm especially going to miss her sleeping around my legs when it's cold. She brought me a lot of comfort.

I'm probably going to be MIA for a little while. I was having a hard 2017 already and the loss of Simba has really put me in a bad place. I'm sure I will be back, but I can't say how soon.

Sweet dreams my little Simba-bimba, I'm going to miss you. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

December Round Up!

I got called into work today. They're having a visit tomorrow from a higher up and they wanted people to come in and clean. I didn't really want to, but felt that I should. My hours got cut way back this week and last week I ended up calling out a day since the car wouldn't start. (also I remembered that the visit was the next day after I replied to my boss's text so I was kinda stuck). It's not a huge deal I went in on my day off, I was having a hard time getting motivated so if I hadn't gone in I probably wouldn't have gotten much done. They also asked two of my co-workers if they could come in and they both said no, so hopefully I also got some brownie points.

I didn't go in until after 2. I would have gone in earlier, but I had packages to get into the mail. Last Sunday was the final go around for E-bay for December and I'm pleased to say I had seven sales, and they all paid. I technically got another free go around of listings from E-bay, but didn't start them until the last day which was the 1st, so I'm counting that for January and any sales will count towards that month and I'm closing the books for December.

December ended up being a fairly good sales month. With that seven I ended it with 16 completed sales. I had a lot of non-bidders with 5 that I had to open and close cases since people didn't pay. Several of those completed sales people did the buy it now option so I got more money from those. It was a nice mix of old and new, and even the new wasn't that new since I didn't get any new auctions done for the month. I haven't had the time yet this month, but I'm hoping to get back into listing things soon and refilling spaces where things have sold. I was making some progress on the pile of stuff on my dresser, but managed to rebury it with things that I bought in December. Hopefully the sun will show up again soon and I can get back to taking pictures. Won't be sold just sitting there on my dresser!

I haven't bought a new doll (again) this month. I'm still waiting for things in the mail, I assume it'll be harder when I'm not waiting for anything to come in the mail. I haven't been super great in my resolve to not window shop. I have managed to stay away from E-bay (but I did find myself there the other day) but Etsy is so hard to not click over and scope out the new listings. At least I'm trying to be better and not just going about business as usual with doll buying.

I might be going out thrifting this week. I need to go out to the dollar store and get more packing tape and white tissue paper. With all my sales I've almost run out of both. If I go out I might make a day of it and hit up the thrift stores. I really shouldn't, but I'm weak, weak I tell you! Hopefully I'll find nothing and return home empty handed, except for tape and tissue paper of course.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Happy New Year! Happy Resolutions!

Hello everyone,

I have survived December (and to the same extent 2016). December was such a rough month in terms of work, so I'm kind of looking forward to the less demanding work schedule that's coming up. I say kind of because less hours also means less money, which I'm not looking forward to as much. I'm still working towards my moving out goal, but I'd feel more comfortable with more in my savings.

I've had yesterday and today off, which has been amazing. It's been over a month since I've had two days off in a week, and longer for two days back to back. I went to bed at 8:30 on Friday and slept for 12 hours. Granted I woke up every 4 hours and had to fall back asleep but boy did I need to rest. I'm still a bit tired, but that did help me a lot in getting better rested than before. Last night I didn't sleep so hot, I think I'm coming down with a cold. I've been a bit more sneezy today and one of my tonsils hurts (but just one, isn't that weird?)

My family still hasn't done Christmas and on Thursday of last week my mother did say that since my father and I had last Saturday off we could do it then, per my sister's suggestion. I promptly shut that down. It was less than 48 hours away and I had to work the next day, I still have things to get and nothing was wrapped. I felt a little bad saying no since we're not sure the next day we'll get to do it, but I was so tired. I just could not do it that day, or at least not do it and feel good about it.

Even with my first two days off in a while I haven't been lazy. Between the past two days, I've done a bunch of laundry, washed my floor, put away a bunch of stuff, organized one of my closets, cleaned off my bedside table, and I've even started to make progress on cleaning off my desk! It's not a total disaster any more, but it's still going to take some work to get it into more of a user friendly shape. There's still plenty to do, but I'm going to keep working at it. I know every day won't be as successful as I've been the past few days, but I want to keep making progress.

Which brings me to the reason why I wanted to do this post, some resolutions. I'm not going to set a year long resolution, but I want to set a couple for the month. Not sure if I'll do it every month, but we shall see. For January I'm going to set two personal goals for myself.

The first one is to go without buying a doll for the entire month. 

I've already kind of broken this rule since I bought one this morning, but I'm not counting it since I meant to buy it last night and use up some expiring Shop Your Way Points from Sears. It was just the tan Look Barbie doll from last year. I don't really want her, but she was the best thing to use my points on. I will be keeping her body and selling the rest. I don't really need another articulated body (I sorted through the boxes of spares I have today and WOW I have a lot), but at this point it's kind of a collection within the collection. I'm kind of cheating for the month because I actually have several dolls pre-ordered due in in January. I have the Lady Gaga Monster High doll, the Brunette Classic Black dress Silkstone, and a couple Integrity bodies so I'll have plenty to look forward to. I also have my Christmas presents. And if that's not enough I have plenty of new dolls to open that I already have. I went a bit hog wild in December and bought several new dolls that I haven't gotten to debox yet so if I get a hankering for something new I could just open one of those. I'm not sure if I'll stay strong for all of January, but I really should focus on what I already have instead of getting more (although there's still several things on my wish list from last year and I'm already building my one for upcoming dolls for 2017!).

My second goal is to get back to working on E-bay. I was very good in November, I actually got over 30 auctions finished for the month. My goal was to end up with an average of one a day and I succeeded! I didn't do any for December I just didn't have the time, but now I've got plenty of new merchandise to sell and plenty of old things that I still need to list. With my amazing amount of sales in November and a decent amount of sales in December I have lots of slots that need to be re-filled, and this month I'm going to get back into it. That's why it's good to get the desk cleaned off, I need it to take pictures. Ideally I'd like to get it so that this year my E-bay sales actually pay for my new dolls. This doesn't usually happen since I spend so much but I would like to at least try to dial back my purchases for this year. January is already looking to be expensive and that's without new dolls. I still have to pay for the Silkstone (or have my card charged), pay for the rest of the Integrity doll bodies (I did a deposit already), pay to rejoin Barbie Collector, and my dues for the Doll Club are due.

I'd really like to spend my time working on the dolls I already have instead of just buying more. I can't say I'll be successful at it, but I'm going to try, especially when I find myself checking online selling sites to go away from there and focus my energy elsewhere. Why I could write a new blog post a week with the time I spend on E-bay. And I really should get back into it, my poor neglected blog.

So that's my goals for January, no new dolls and back to chugging away at E-bay. Has anyone else made any resolutions they're going to try for?